Trapped In My Own Head

It's been over six months since I updated this site, which feels like a failure. This whole endeavor was meant to be an outlet, a place for me to be me, without significant filtering, and operate with the risk that others might read it.

I can say it's because I started a great job since writing here and it makes me busy, but that feels like an excuse. Priorities are to be prioritized.

My guitar has grown dusty and my mind is weary, strained, but that's how I'm to grow and develop: against obstacles and at the limits of my endurance.

What happened to me?

I enjoyed and still enjoy reading books, but I now read chiefly on the subway to pass the half-hour ride to and from the salt mines. Rarely do I sit at home and simply read, turning the pages as I go.

I still read, but I spend that time on screens, burning through social media feeds and reading articles, occasionally losing patience with the longer ones and aannoyed when the short ones don't seem to be offering much. I laugh at jokes from comedians I follow and scratch my chin thoughtfully with the journalists.

(That said, I do enjoy Twitter the most and have found information on great shows around New York I wouldn't have discovered otherwise.)

I spend a lot of time watching shows on my laptop; even now I'm watching Amazon's The Man In the High Castle. I use it as noise for my mind. What went so goddamn wrong?

I feel trapped in my own head, like the very outline of my body is a fence. I have no choice about being here, in this body and with this mentality. I fear that I'm pursuing interests because they serve as a proxy - an escape, really.

I think I'm falling prey to my circumstances, that I'm allowing myself to be sculpted by my surroundings. My attention span isn't what it once was and, grouped with my stressors and madness, leads me to feel incredibly dissatisfied with myself.

I need to put more effort into making my life become the life I want. It certainly won't land in my lap, a gift from the sky.

I must carve out time for more reading, more guitar practice, more exercise, more self-improvement. There isn't room for continuing this trend of personal failure I've found myself following.